the following is a series of flash poems written from a time where i was beautifully broken and painfully aware of it. the heartache i endured has brought me one step closer to becoming the woman i aspire to be. i come out of this era a hopeful survivor.
1.
how to make him stay:
you can’t.
2.
don’t mistake
my loneliness
for love
3.
i’m so tired of being tired.
4.
if you win an argument but
lose the one you’re arguing with,
you’ve lost.
5.
you touch me with
more than just your hands.
6.
and maybe I do see you through rose coloured glasses,
and maybe I don’t care.
7.
“do you ever get the feeling we’ve met in a past life?”
8.
Her simple beauty often went unnoticed. Perhaps it was because of the way she avoided interaction with any creature composed of a beating heart, flesh, and bone. She would rather create characters – softer characters, not yet sharpened by the world’s greedy grasp – than endure the process of realizing every person’s inevitable flaws.
9.
“she’s not your type.”
“what’s my type then?”
“me.”
10.
my soul wants to begin again.
11.
they have confused
the space between my thighs
with my heart
when looking for gold.
12.
you can’t change someone who
isn’t willing to change.
13.
i don’t like you
but I love you.
14.
The reason I can’t get over you is not because I believe you have been created for me. My heart has latched on to you in a way I can’t understand, and maybe I see too much of you in me to let it go. You have shaped me. You have become part of me.
15.
there is a fine line between
jealous and possessive
do not let him cross it.
16.
he told me to come home,
i told him
i don’t think I ever left.
17.
i want to tell you about the time I felt like I was dying inside out,
but I don’t think I could ever look
into your eyes again.
-mother
18.
love me selflessly
or not at all.
19.
my bruises begged me to leave him
but my heart strings were
already too tangled
in his chaos
to let go without snapping.
20.
pain lies,
do not trust it.
21.
you might leave your scent on my bedsheets
but i’ll leave mine
on your soul.
22.
it’s better to
light myself on fire
than to feel nothing at all
23.
darling,
did you really think
your ocean eyes could
drown a forest fire
like me?
24.
i’m too much of something and
not enough of anything else
25.
I am reckless in a way that is enticing and dangerous all at once. I will cross the street without looking either way and light matches when my skin is doused in gasoline. I know you were expecting me to be softer, and your first instinct is to run. I don’t mind, I’m used to people leaving. I wear their unfulfilled promises like battle scars.
26.
why do i crave you
and then slip away
moments before touching you?
–to love
27.
i feel everything and nothing all
at once its just so
chaotic and still at the same time
like I’m the only one moving
spinning in circles
i can’t stop
and everyone is watching me crumble
28.
“is he a good guy?”
“he could be.”
29.
you only said you loved me
when i threatened to leave
that is not love
that is desperation
30.
it’s hard for me to
hear my heartbeat when
the sound of yours is
constantly ringing in my ears
i am living so vicariously through you
i don’t even exist
on my own anymore
31.
i moved on today
but i might love you tomorrow
32.
when i found myself
lying in bed
not in pain and
not shaking from shock just
numb
and knowing subconsciously
what had been done
but not being able to accept it
–rape
33.
love me flawed
do not love the ideal version of me
you think you can create
34.
i ran because
he saw right through me
and i couldn’t face
the parts of myself i kept hidden-
they were hidden
for a reason.
35.
i never felt naked when
my clothes were lying on
your bedroom floor
i felt it when
you undressed my soul
covered with white lies
and false hope.
36.
“you know everything,” he teased.
“no, i just know you,” i replied.
37.
they say smell is the strongest sense
tied to memory
i didn’t think i still cared about you
because i had gone at least two months
without your name running through my mind
but yesterday i walked past a man
who wore too much cologne that
smelled like the one you used to wear
the one with sandalwood and nutmeg
that i could never buy you because
i didn’t know how to pronounce the name
and i had to stop myself from
running after him
–i still love you
38.
not loving hurts so much more
than loving and being broken
i wish i could have been shattered
by someone other than myself.
39.
never allow another human being
to become your home
because once they are gone
you will be left with nothing
and they’ll find another house
to spend the night in
40.
i wanted so badly
to love the person
i should have loved
all along
–what could have been
41.
there is nothing worse than
working so hard for someone
other than yourself
and then being told
by the one you respect the most
you are not good enough.
–disappointment
42.
broken people break
because that’s the only thing
they know how to do.
43.
at sixteen she had been high
more times than she’d been kissed
44.
the spark of love for
the world around me had been
flickering for so long
i forgot what it felt like
to burn
45.
when i stand in front of the ocean
i feel more myself than ever
looking at the waves is looking in the mirror
i just need to learn
when to collide against the shore
and when to control my sapphire waters
i have more power
than i am able to admit.
46.
After all you have been through, I still see you as pure. The world hasn’t turned you bitter. I hope you stay this way forever, in awe of the elements and in awe of humanity. It’s easy to let pain consume you, to romanticize sadness and hold on to it for as long as you can. But you, darling, emit light without even trying. Do not lose yourself in someone else.
47.
we love in a place
without reason or time.
49.
my death will be when i no longer
write for myself
because i love it
because it keeps me sane
without it,
fragments of poetry fill up my lungs until
i can no longer breathe
without these words
i am nothing
50.
i am always
the first to leave
i leave before they can even consider
the prospect of hurting me.
51.
“can i just hold you?” he asked.
and i didn’t know how to respond.
no one had ever asked to just hold me
it had always been a gateway into
what men really wanted
but here he was
the boy with the shaky hands and
bonfire eyes
simply longing to feel my heartbeat align with
his as we lay skin to skin
so i let him hold me for just a moment
i think it was the closest i’ve ever come to love
52.
when you think
you have nothing left,
rebuild.
53.
life is so much easier
when you let yourself trust something
greater than yourself
54.
i didn’t realize
i was mistaking your kindness
for something it wasn’t
55.
when you touch me
fire and ice waltz across my body
i am more alive
than ever
56.
women like me are natural disasters
it’s almost impossible not to be enchanted
with our seductive storms
and we are thrilling for the first little while
until you realize we have the ability
to destroy you with
a flutter of our eyelashes
or the softness of our lips
57.
“do you have any idea how beautiful you really are?”
58.
how different things would be
if i could have just told you
all the things i swore i would never say
59.
i started looking at the boy with the
brown eyes as he read the stories
he lost himself in
his slender fingers resting on the ivory pages
waiting to flip to the next line
and maybe it was the rain falling on the
window next to our table or
the way he brushed his hair absentmindedly
across his forehead but somehow
i started to lose myself too
60.
and suddenly there was
a thick white blanket smothering noise and
smothering me until
there are only my thoughts left
and i am forced to enter the caverns of my mind
–silence is louder than screaming
61.
i turned my world into a monochromatic castle
even though i’m painted red.
62.
something drew me to him –
perhaps it was his energy or perhaps i saw
a truth in his eyes that i couldn’t quite
understand at the time because
i’ve never been a big believer of fate
until i felt a strange pull towards
a boy i had never spoken to before
i thank god i followed it
because that day i told him about my fears and
the ways i’ve been broken
and our conversation never really seemed to stop.
63.
i knew it was time to leave when
blood started to blend in with my red lipstick
from all the times i bit down to
stop myself from feeling more than
what you thought was necessary
–to lose my voice is to lose myself
64.
the worst feeling in the world
is missing someone so much
as they sit right across from you
65.
everything hurts.
66.
and it seemed like the worst crime he could commit –
to come into my life without warning or consent
and take my heart from its home with the
clear intention of loving me for just a moment
and then vanishing back into the night
67.
the only difference
between a monster and an angel
is the choice to act on
humanity’s two most
innate desires –
to love
or to destroy.
68.
time was never on our side.
69.
you found your pleasure in
pleasing me
and maybe that’s why no one else
can touch me the way you did
70.
it isn’t okay for you
to blame the scars across my chest
from the knives you tore me
apart with
on your anxiety
or your depression –
sometimes you’re just
a sad excuse
for a human being.
71.
i made wishes on birthday candles
and eyelashes
while she made wishes on
drones that looked like shooting stars
and bombs
disguised as fireworks
–my sisters in syria
72.
you asked me if i still
cared about you,
i asked if you’d read
my writing
–it’s all for you
73.
he told me i reminded him
of home
skin as soft as the sand dunes he
he would run his fingers through
words flowing off my tongue
like the rivers he wrote by
my body resembling
the arches in the temples
dripping in gold and
making him believe in some higher power
i think that’s why he fell in love
because everything about me
was already so familiar.
74.
“you, my love, are so much more than they can comprehend.”
75.
and suddenly
the thought of you made me feel
trapped
and i needed to rid myself
of anything and everything
that reminded me of you –
the bedsheets were changed
sweaters returned
letters torn and burned
i thought it would make me feel better
this small act of rebellion
against our love
but i felt just as hollow as before
76.
i’ve always been a little
inside out
my feelings show so vividly on
the apples of my cheeks and in
the starlight of my eyes
but i’ll still find ways
to hide myself from you
77.
i spit out another lie
almost instinctively,
i’ve forgotten how to be soft.
78.
i held his hand but
i’m still reaching for yours
79.
under dim lights
through sleepy eyes
we all become poets
80.
i’m never going to be
anyone’s second choice –
i can’t let myself forget that.
81.
“you look at him in awe and wonder why he’s with you. that’s how i used to look at you.”
82.
you only loved me
when it was convenient for you.
83.
to love or to let go –
a double edged sword.
i never thought you could hurt me this much
i never thought i could hurt myself
this much.
84.
“don’t forget who you are just because you’re with him.”
85.
they told me i was the
type of girl people write about
i couldn’t figure out if
i was the fearless warrior
or the idyllic lover
–i don’t want to be either
86.
some people drink to
feel numb
others drink to
feel something,
to feel anything.
87.
ice seems to constantly flow through
my tired veins
and my hands seem to shake in the middle of summer
–it’s been cold since you left
88.
the vanity of my desires
had never bothered me
until
i was destroyed in
selfishness
with no one to blame
but myself
89.
“it’s an endless cycle, isn’t it?”
–to be broken, to rebuild
90.
there was a time where
i only wore dark colours
so i would look lighter
in comparison to the fabric
clinging onto it
i must have been less than five
when i started thinking my
pigmentation made me somehow
less beautiful
–illusions
91.
seventeen –
the sanctuary between
childhood and
the confinement of adulthood
we are forged in
a world of secondhand smoke
cheap vodka and
making love without ever
really being in love
92.
i will fall in love with
your idiosyncrasies,
the ones only i will know about
the raising of your left eyebrow
the biting of your bottom lip
chewed fingernails and
crooked smiles
underneath the smoke and mirrors
these are the things that make you
you
93.
and that was the problem –
she felt too deeply
he felt almost nothing at all.
94.
i have a strange obsession
with love letters and feelings
being transformed into words
we are all so much prettier
on paper
95.
do not make me feel guilty
for not wanting your hands on me
i don’t need to be convinced
i’m not asking for it
and i certainly don’t owe you
anything.
96.
“he’s my world,” she sobbed
and i couldn’t help but think
what a lonely world to live in
if life revolves around the feelings of another,
feelings that can change as quickly
as the weather
–the world is so much bigger than you can imagine
97.
and i know it’s horrible
but i love the feeling of
you missing me
98.
to open my heart to you
is no easy task
but i’m trying,
i really am.
99.
somehow we ended up
on the side of a building in
the middle of nowhere with
my legs wrapped around you
and your lips on my neck
–yours
100.
i become more myself when
i’m with you
the girl i used to know reappears
the softer version of myself
that’s hardened over time –
i never wanted you to get
this close but
my walls involuntarily drop with
your touch
you melt me
–is this what it feels like to fall in love?
101.
i can argue with you for hours,
my love,
if that’s what it takes to keep you close to me.
102.
he wasn’t the type of boy
i thought i would ever be attracted to
he was gentle, soft spoken
every word he uttered sounded like
it was from a different time
he was the last person i ever
expected to destroy me
but one day i looked down while his head was
in my lap and it felt so
inexplicably right;
i knew i could never tell him.
–almost
103.
i’m sure you’ve told me how much
i mean to you
thousands of times
but the only words i can remember are
the ones whispered under your breath
when you had run out of anger
and all that was left was pain in your eyes as
they looked up to find me
“i failed.”
–father
104.
here i am again,
a stranger in my own house.
105.
“you’ve changed,” she said
and i couldn’t dispute it
i am constantly changing
and constantly growing
the girl you met two years ago is gone,
do not search for her anymore.
106.
i want the simplest of things –
a journal, a pen, a sweater, the rain
and most of all
to be close to you
107.
i wish i felt connected to
some sort of faith or
some higher power i could turn to
i am more alone than ever
108.
he taught me how to dance
and i taught him how to drink
we were reckless, the two of us
and content with the universe we had built
knowing it could only last
for a beautiful moment in time
–it was enough
109.
you turned to me
at three am after six shots and
asked out of nowhere with an exceptionally
serious expression on your sleep deprived face
if i liked building forts
i told you i used to, when i was younger and
everything was much simpler
you kissed my forehead and
we built a fort out of my white bedsheets
and the mismatched pillows
scattered around my room
i don’t think i’ve ever been as happy as i was
that night
110.
“now look at what you’ve done,” i whispered
as blood dripped onto the white tile
–here we go again
111.
heartbreak is a debt that can
only be paid with time.
112.
i told you that i should come with
warning signs tattooed across my body
it’s not my fault
you didn’t listen.
–trouble
113.
when love comes, let it under your skin
let it shake your crooked bones and let it
shatter everything you thought you knew
about the world around you
i promise you, it’ll be worth it.
114.
there is a theory that
dreams reveal our unresolved
most repressed wishes
maybe that’s why i can’t get away from you
even in slumber
115.
“he’s rather charming,” she whispered
“you have no idea,” i sighed.
116.
sometimes love isn’t enough.
117.
one thing i will never understand
about the boys that claim to be so
proud of the fact that they’re with me
is how i become a stranger to them
in front of the eyes of others
i don’t think they realize
i’m not a secret to be kept
–why do i let them keep me?
118.
i think i’m falling for him,
the wrong one,
the one i never should have spoken to
in the first place.
–i wanted to kiss you today
119.
“have you slept?” i asked,
the worry echoing in my voice
“yes,” he mumbled
looking down to hide his dark circles
and i know he was up all night
thinking of her again.
120.
you bring out the devil in me
and my god,
i love it.
121.
“it’s just a headache,” i insisted
but he knows me better than i know myself
and brings me warm milk and honey
in the light blue mug my mother got for me
he sits next to me
and strokes my hair until i fall asleep –
this is how i know
he understands.
–no words required
122.
i’ve tried so hard to stop myself
from wanting you
and each time i have failed
–if only things were different
123.
“what was it like to love him?” she asked me
“a constant battle between hope and disappointment,” i replied,
“and despite it all, i never stopped hoping, and i never stopped being disappointed.”
124.
he said my words were pretty,
as pretty as the sunrise after a stormy night
i think that was the best compliment
a boy has ever given me
125.
when he touches me i feel electric
a flapper girl at one of gatsby’s parties
but when you touch me i feel like
i’ve arrived home after months of a
long journey
–how am i supposed to choose?
126.
“i’m sorry.”
–two words you could never say
127.
i’ve always loved to read but
in the past few months it’s gotten almost
to the point of obsession
i think i’d rather enter the lives of others
than try and make sense of my own
128.
it’s taken me too long to realize
that not everyone can be saved
and not everyone wants to be saved
how i wish i could have known this
before i moved mountains
to give you the love
you never wanted in the first place.
129.
“you deserve better,” he cried
and i did
i deserved so much more than he could ever be,
so much more than he could ever give me
still, i stayed
sometimes what you deserve and what you desire
are two very different things.
130.
you made me feel like i wasn’t enough –
i don’t think i’ll ever forgive you for that.
131.
i loved him
i loved him
i loved him
but he never stopped loving her
–if only
132.
“there will be time to grieve once he’s gone. right now, enjoy the storm.”
133.
he had two personalities, you see
one when he was alone with me
and one when he was surrounded by the rest of the world
where he had built up his facade for so long
he didn’t know how to stop
–how i wish they could see you the way i do
134.
i’m going in circles again
a new lover,
the same kind of heartbreak.
135.
today i removed the shackles
i had been holding onto for three years,
and i thought it would hurt
i thought it would leave me aching for days
instead i feel free
i see now the woman i am becoming
and for the first time in a long time
i’m starting to love her.
–no longer broken