1.
i spent so long grieving over
my innocence being taken from me
i wasn’t able to see the strength
lacing across the skin that used to be covered in scars
wrapping around my fragile wrists and
sheltering a heart that has somehow learned
to rebuild itself
i understand now
how much i have grown.
2.
with you
i am no longer scared of space
time or even
the distance that longs to separate us
i feel myself gravitate towards you
without reason or cause
you make me trust the feelings
that can’t be put into words.
3.
“how long will you keep running?” he sighed.
“until i find something worth staying for,” i whispered.
–i found myself
4.
this love you have given me feels nostalgic
i think i’ve loved you before in
a different time and
a different place
maybe that’s why i can’t explain when
or how i fell in love,
i just found my way back
to you.
5.
i created this facade
to make myself more than a sensitive girl
who loved and was shattered
i hardened myself
i made myself everything i knew i wasn’t
and it worked until i forgot it existed
it worked until you looked into my eyes and saw through
everything i worked so hard to create
you looked at me and understood,
and you forced me to understand, too.
6.
lust is so much more interesting
when mixed with love
7.
the difference between you
and the other boys –
they would kiss my lips
so they could taste me
you kiss my lips
to be closer to me.
8.
i’m left tracing all the places you touched me
long after you’re gone
–i always want more
9.
i dye my hair back to its natural
deep brown colour –
i am finally
seeing how beautiful
the women of my culture are
almond eyes filled with sunsets and
skin as rich as the earth they built empires on
with backs that bear the weight of
the stories we seem to forget
my culture is my comfort.
10.
your eyes looked more animal than human
and i knew we wouldn’t make it
to the restaurant tonight.
–backseat lovers
11.
i knew i was changing
when i was no longer writing for a boy –
i was writing for myself.
12.
i hope one day you are able to tell me
all the things
you whisper under the moonlight when
you think i’m asleep
come daylight
13.
i saw him today and
for the first time since i’ve known him
i felt nothing
his presence neither angered me nor drew me back to him
there was nothing left for me to give him
or for him to give me
we were back to being strangers
i don’t know whether to mourn or to celebrate.
14.
i caught you staring at me
the other day
to anyone else it would be just a look
but i saw the way your eyes lingered for
a moment too long
before averting your gaze to your hands
you pretend you’re not still in love with me
i pretend not to notice
15.
he rolled over
love and stardust in his eyes as he caressed
all the places he had just kissed me
and my first thought –
“he’s going to leave me now.”
–what have they done to me?
16.
my eyes are made of honey
and melted gold
it is easy to lose yourself in them –
not because of their beauty
but because in them you see
everything you once were
and everything you could be
17.
he winked at me before running his finger
through the flickering flame
of the candle at our table
“be careful,” i warned him
but he didn’t listen
he ran his fingers up my silken skin
knowing all too well
how easily he would be burnt.
18.
the people i’ve loved,
truly loved,
i will always love.
–if you needed me, i would run.
19.
he is an artist, yes.
but i’m afraid he doesn’t understand
he is also the art.
20.
i felt you almost kiss me
(you sense these things when you begin to fall in love)
and ever since,
i have longed for nothing but your lips
and your lips only.
21.
the more i try and hold on
to these fleeting moments,
the faster they slip away.
22.
the questions i never asked
are the ones i already knew the answers to –
i just couldn’t bear to hear the words
spoken out loud
for that makes everything
much too real.
23.
what we had is over
it is from a different time
this i know to be true
but the words won’t stop flowing from
the heart you took over
and made your own
24.
i see all the love i have for you
and i want to show you so badly
i want to give you everything i am
but i’ve been pushing love away for so long that
i don’t remember how to let it in
let alone how to give it.
25.
“if you knew the things
i think about late at night,
you’d blush every time i looked at you.”
26.
the problem with us –
you always wanted me to be yours
but you had no intention
of ever being mine
27.
you know the feeling of
having lost something, but not
being able to remember what it was?
it’s been a recurring thought of mine lately
i don’t know what i lost or
when i lost it
but i know it was important
and i know it made me happy
maybe if i could remember, i could understand
why sometimes i still feel
so empty.
28.
we’re all rather fond of euphemisms, aren’t we?
that boy didn’t kill himself,
he “passed away”
he “left”
he’s “not with us anymore”
or at least that’s what we love to tell ourselves.
29.
your voice can either light up every nerve in my body
and fill me with the kind of bliss i never thought
i would be able to feel
or leave my bones aching and my soul weeping
the effect you have on me
is so much grander than you could
ever imagine
30.
he reached between my legs and
brought his fingers up with a smirk
“if you wanted me this badly, my darling,
you could have just told me.”
31.
to the boy teaching me how to love
you are the first one who has ever
valued my heart over my beauty
and for that, i will be eternally grateful.
32.
“we shouldn’t work,” whispered my mind.
“then how come we do?” willed my soul.
33.
i feel like my heartbeat
has always been erratic
it’s never been steady or sure of itself
or even had a constant rhythm to follow
it’s always either dangerously
close to stopping
or so fast that my shallow breaths
can’t keep up.
–unstable
34.
you touched every inch of
my body as if you were
examining it
as if you wanted to remember
every curve and every bone
every scar and every stretch mark
(both of which you called beautiful)
as if you knew one day you’d be nostalgic
for this moment –
nostalgic for me.
35.
we were chest to chest so
we could feel each others hearts beating
together as one
our legs were intertwined and
so were our fingers
we were skin to skin
and i still tried to pull you closer
36.
“don’t leave,” i sobbed
as he turned away from me
“you promised,” i breathed
as he closed the door behind him.
–just like everyone else
37.
if you ever meet a boy who looks like
a rainstorm and speaks in stanzas
do not look at him
if he starts telling you about his affliction with
the colour yellow or the way he always felt so
detached from his parents
do not fall in love with his melancholy eyes
he will not be able to love you the way he loved me.
–mine
38.
“did you ever love me?”
it hurt to answer
because we both knew he was never
much more than a pastime for me
while i became his world.
39.
i stand in the eye of the storm
and all around me is chaos
i am standing perfectly still
without even a hair out of place
how lovely i must look, watching
the ones i love most
destroy themselves
40.
you can tell by her eyes,
that girl is poetry in motion.
41.
he was born a hundred years too early
and a hundred years too late
he has the blood of a warrior and
the honour of a prince
while the caverns of his mind hold ideas
so ahead of his time and so removed
from the mundane world he inhabits
i wonder if he understands
the power that lies within him
42.
everyone before you
merely kissed my hands
your lips traced the ridges
of each my fingers
–it’s all in the details
43.
“i love you,” whispered the boy
who mistook love for understanding
and heartbreak for beauty.
44.
breaths quicker
hands shake and lips quiver
i am inches away from you
and the distance
suffocates me
–hesitation
45.
you told me you wanted to paint me,
and so i let you.
but your other models were oil on canvas
and i, watercolour
fade as quickly as your desires.
–temporary pleasures
46.
you spit out promises
like poison
and hand out i love you’s
like party favours.
47.
i wear all white and douse my
body in rose water
to disguise the cobwebs and dust
forming around my lips
in the absence of your kisses
–come back
48.
beauty is found
in the almost dead –
never in the euphoria
of the living.
49.
“i can’t tell whether you are a gift from above,
or the child of the devil himself,” he breathed.
i wrapped my lips around his finger.
“what about now?” i whispered.
–heaven and hell
50.
i know a boy who makes life easy
with him it is laughter and ice cream and
the feeling you would get in kindergarten
when you finally made a friend
and had someone
to sit with at lunchtime.
–simple things
51.
you rearranged my furniture
shattered my windows
making sure to touch everything
you could possibly leave your mark on
and then walked out the door
of my body
as if nothing ever happened.
–my house is not a home anymore
52.
“why don’t you write about him?” she asked me.
“we write what we want to read,” i replied,
“and i can’t think of anything more dreadful to read
than the story of two souls so desperately
craving each other
at the wrong time and in
the most unfortunate of circumstances.”
–perhaps in another life
53.
i miss your body when
it is with my body,
i just miss being able
to touch you.
–three more months
54.
when i was nine years old,
i remember begging my mother to let me
shave my legs
and wax my arms
because the boys used to tease
and the girls used to stare
of course, i didn’t understand that
the body of an indian girl
cannot be compared to the ones of those
with smooth ivory skin and light eyes
and so when a boy tells me i am beautiful and
strokes his fingers across me
i can’t help but wonder if he will still be
lusting after me in a few days
or weeks or months
when the hair grows back.
55.
i am empty
but that doesn’t stop you from
reaching between my legs
to make you
feel whole again
56.
i’ve been giving my love out
for as long as i can remember
and when you arrived i wanted
to give you everything i had –
my whole heart
but i left so much of
myself in others
that i only had mismatched
bits and pieces
to offer you
if i had known you were coming
i would have saved them all
but i did not
and the leftovers
were not nearly enough
for you.
57.
i shed people like snakeskin
and so it shouldn’t have been a
surprise at all
when i woke up one morning
and realized i had
outgrown you
–onto better things
58.
when you are beautiful,
that is what you are
first and foremost –
beautiful.
and you can try and change
what people see
but in this world,
intellect can’t compete
with artistry.
59.
“who is he?” she asked.
“a memory,” i breathed.
60.
he told me he sent kisses to me
through the moon
every night
–at least we still share the same sky
61.
her eyes are the colour
of cobwebs.
62.
the steady tide
of an ocean miles away
is the closest i’ll ever get
to having a heartbeat.
63.
my condolences to every man
who stole my petals
instead of watering my roots
–watch me rise
64.
and many more illusions played
in this burning, crimson masquerade
until she awoke and
the castles all broke.
(a dream, a dream, a beautiful dream.)
65.
if only you could see me now.
–allow me to reintroduce myself
66.
he said he was trouble
but he looked more like adventure
67.
i know you’ll be home soon –
i know.
but sometimes my body still aches
when i remember
how long it’s been since
we’ve touched.
68.
you smelled like whiskey and heartbreak
and i haven’t seen you in months but
i drink whiskey now.
–don’t let me forget
69.
thunderstorms have always
been omens for me
so when the rain begins to
crash down the sides of windows
and hit the pavement
like bullets
i hide.
70.
there is no greater pleasure
than submitting
to the deadly art of sin
even if the high only lasts
for half a heartbeat
71.
i was so much more beautiful
before i ever realized
what this beauty really meant.
72.
and that’s the problem with makeup –
once you put it on, you don’t just look
like a pretty girl
you begin to think like one too.
–take the mask off
73.
every seven years our cells
regenerate, almost like
our bodies are reborn.
i can’t wait until the day
where your fingerprints
are no longer engraved into my skin
and i can stop taking two hour
long showers,
trying to wash your touch off.
74.
his fingers tracing my lips
he loves me
his eyes fixed on mine
he loves me
as he makes love to her
through me
–he loves me not
75.
i am still the girl
dressed in mist,
i just see clearly now.
76.
coffee and stubble and
forehead kisses –
this is a sunday kind of love.
77.
even the stars are jealous
of the way you glow
78.
i’ve always felt more like stella
than blanche
but tonight i spent three hours
in the bath
humming the mismatched tunes
of songs i could barely remember
and i pretended to be
somewhere far, far away.
–i don’t want realism anymore
79.
i think my mother saw the
sadness in my eyes had been
building for a long time
and i couldn’t even look at her.
i don’t think she had the words
to say so she made me chai
(with extra milk, like when i was little)
and washed my hair in the sink
(with the shampoo that smells like peppermint)
and she didn’t have to say anything at all.
–i will never not long for her arms
80.
i was so proud of being able
to fix myself
i didn’t realize that maybe
the cracks in my smile
that i glued together so precisely
were starting to come undone
–i don’t want to go back
81.
would you still love me
if you couldn’t make love to me?
82.
it’s hard when the only boy
who knows how to play with my hair
the way i like
and knows to be quiet and just
trace circles on my back
when the tears start to fall
is 3337 kilometres away.
83.
these nighttime lovers have turned me
into the Vanishing Girl –
and i just want to reappear.
–i don’t know how to stay anymore
84.
“i miss you,” he murmurs.
silence.
i’ve never felt more hollow.
“i miss you too.”
85.
you were my stars and
my moon,
and every night i would write
to you.
how foolish was i
to waste my thoughts on you
when you didn’t realize
we shared the same sky.
86.
dear Love,
why must you always arrive
too early on my doorstep
and too late at his?
–can’t you see he’s already gone
87.
in a world where kisses
are wasted like wishes
i only wish i could
i have saved
a few of my firsts
for you.
88.
there is nothing i despise more
than everyone telling me,
“you shouldn’t regret anything.”
i think maybe they would have
regrets too
if they handed out love to boys
who only understood desire.
89.
i don’t write because i want to,
i write because there are so many things
i will never say out loud
and somehow they ended up
on paper
and at least for
a little while
the words can feel the pain
i’ve been holding in
and my bones don’t have to.
90.
“how are you baby?” he asks.
i can hear the smile in his voice
and the brightness in his eyes.
how could i let myself
ruin his happiness?
–i’m fine.
91.
just please come home,
please.
i don’t know how much longer
i can hold on.
92.
that’s the problem with falling
in love with a fantasy –
truth becomes an abstract concept,
one you don’t want to remember.
and so you don’t.
93.
to the boy teaching me how to love
i hope one day i can inspire you
as much as you have me.
94.
in time i learnt
the softness isn’t a weakness.
it is strength in the purest
and most resolute form
one can imagine.
95.
“what does it mean to be selfless?” she asked me.
i looked at my mother and smiled.
“we’ll have to wait until we have children
to truly understand.” i whispered.
–there is nothing more powerful than a mother’s love
96.
most poets die drunk,
alone,
and so beautiful
they cannot even comprehend
their loveliness.
i guess we become
the things we write about
after all.
97.
the other night,
i called the boy with the soft eyes.
the one who would write me
love letters in secret
and daydream about forbidden things
i don’t know why i called him –
i think i was just sad.
and the sadness turned into something
a little more tragic
when i realized there was more silence
than conversation
i used to think he and i
were crafted from the same soul
and now we are strangers.
–there’s nothing left
98.
will the whiskey help me remember
what it felt like to kiss you?
99.
“if anyone tries to hurt you like that again,
i will fucking burn down their world.” he said, teeth gritted.
everything is on fire
100.
to my daughter
fall in love with someone who
has the capability to take care of you.
not because you are weak or incapable
but
because they want to.
and because they know how to.
101.
everything hurts and
at the same time
i
feel
nothing.
102.
his hands were clenched
so tightly around his heart
that i didn’t even realize
how broken it really was
103.
a woman’s heart is a home
some men enter with keys
and some men enter with knives.
104.
i want to love you so fiercely
but my bones are used to running
and my heart is used to hiding
105.
i think after time, the hurt makes its way
into our minds from our hearts
and the words we are so used to hearing
lose meaning completely
“i love you” becomes “i will leave you”
“you’re beautiful” becomes “i want to touch you”
and saying “i won’t hurt you” is a lie
dipped in sugar and coated in honey.
106.
how is it that i feel more naked
being asked about my feelings
than with my clothes on the floor?
107.
it is only when we stopped fighting
that we realized
there was nothing left to give
–don’t stop yelling
108.
“do you love him?” she asked me.
my throat closes.
“i think so.”
“if you have to think about it, you don’t know love.” she hissed.
she was right.
109.
only sixteen but i think
i’ve been hurt enough
for a lifetime
–does the pain ever stop?
110.
lonely people do lonely things,
even when they are in love.
111.
i don’t recognize my reflection anymore
the ridges and the curves are harsher
the circles under my eyes are darker
i think the sadness
is starting to swallow me
inside out
112.
how rare it is to find sisterhood
without jealousy or competition,
only acts of kindness and love.
i wish we could stand together instead
of tearing each other apart – that is
the world’s job, not ours.
113.
“where does it hurt?” he asked me.
“everywhere,” i sobbed.
114.
aren’t we all just waiting?
waiting to fall in love, waiting for something
beautiful to happen,
waiting for life to get better.
and maybe that’s one of the greatest tragedies of all –
living in the waiting place
isn’t really living at all.
115.
and so i put on
the kind of underwear
you only put on
to have taken off.
116.
i lie between these white sheets
unbuttoned, unraveled
and undone with thoughts of you.
117.
when the words of the textbooks
start to blur together and my head
is begging me to sleep
i think of all the women begging
for the chance to read
and under the starlight, i keep going
–count your blessings
118.
no matter how many times i am told
to just ignore it,
when people yell
“go back to your country”
as i walk down the street
(apparently the colour of my skin
dictates where i can and cannot live)
my skin
is set
on fire.
119.
i see so many humans
and so little humanity
120.
a woman of colour
must fight
twice as hard
for half as much.
121.
i think he and i are from the same star.
we think a little too deeply and bruise a little too easily.
122.
to the girl that loves him next:
please be gentle.
he is holding a broken heart with strong hands,
and i don’t think he can afford to lose
any more pieces.
123.
i may have seen love hundreds of times,
but the only time i recognized it
was in your smile.
124.
we met at a crossroad between
nostalgia and longing,
and although i wanted to stay there forever
i was a wanderer
who had to find my way
back home.
you pointed me
in the right direction.
–thank you
125.
i looked into your eyes and saw it.
i saw how quietly you loved her, and
how loudly you pretended not to.
126.
you once said it was infuriating to love me,
and all i did was smile.
i am not the one who you thought
you would end up with,
nor am i the one who is easy to be with.
i am a forest fire lit with a match
you forgot you ever had –
unexpected, unpredictable,
and utterly inescapable.
127.
i want to meet the version of myself
that stayed with you.
i want to know that i am better
in this universe
than in the universe of us.
128.
our lives are never straight paths.
they are circles and parallels and
different versions of the same sentence
rewritten, rewritten, rewritten,
until we find our way back
to the order that started it all.
129.
“why do you love me?” i asked.
“why must there be a reason for love?” he responded.
130.
to write of heartbreak is as immortal
as it is meaningless –
there are some things in life
you simply have to feel.
131.
when he asked if i loved him,
i would spit out the word “no”
instinctively.
not because it was true, but because
it was the first time i had ever
felt something so strong
that i was incapable of controlling.
–the word just hadn’t caught up
to the feeling yet.
132.
people always remember their first loves,
their first kisses,
the first time they ever made love.
and i think it is because we love the feeling of newness,
of tasting something
for the very first time. because no matter
how many people come after the first
or how deep our affection for them flows,
remnants of the beginning of it all
never truly fade away.