the games we play

 

You sit across from me

staring

waiting

playing games

I can’t even understand.

Tell me,

are you so insecure

about your inability to feel

something

anything

that you must manipulate

the fragile heart

you broke my ribs

to get to?

Tell me why

your hands search desperately for

their counter parts-

discarded in the

collection of dolls

you keep by your bedside.

You lost me

before you even had me.

 

We can write about each other

for hours

our love strewn across these crumpled pages

in a language

only we can understand,

yet a fire burns

so deeply in our throats

a forest fire

consuming our bodies

souls screaming

aching for some sort of comfort

we both know will never come

whenever we try and say

“I love you.”

 

My mind stops my body,

my body stops my soul.

Your arrogance is your shield,

sheltering you from

unwanted emotions,

dangerous heartbreak.

How ironic

that neither of us

truly understand

what love is,

we use the word as

an anchor

something to hold onto

in the depths of our storm

a lifeline

clinging to the past

what was,

what never could be.


Writing this piece was cathartic for me, because it allowed me to finally let out everything I’ve been feeling for weeks. My inspiration came from something very simple, sitting across from an ex. We didn’t even speak, we just breathed in the other’s presence like it was last breath before being pulled underwater. For the few moments we made eye contact, everything came rushing back to the initial infatuation we felt, then the toxic love, and finally, the deterioration of our relationship. I find it extremely ironic that the boy I wrote about claimed to have such strong emotions for me when it came to love, but as soon as they turned to pain, he shut down completely. This speaks to the idea that humans will only let emotion in when it is beneficial for them.

Our “love” was over before it began, both of us seeking refuge in the other’s arms when this realization hit us. It took me too long to realize that one can’t search for happiness in the place that stripped it from them before, conveyed through the lines “Tell me, are you so insecure about your inability to feel…that you must manipulate the fragile heart you broke my ribs to get to?” Being hurt unintentionally through pointless arguments and guilt trips only made me question what it would be like if he really tried to press on my open wounds that may never heal; his love was too selfish for my mind to accept. My heart still drops when he tucks my hair behind my ear out of habit before realizing what he has done. However, my priority will always be to become the best version of myself possible. Although he brought out the best in me, he also brought out the worst – a girl I resented and feared more than anyone else.

This poem is one I read before he and I spoke truthfully for the last time, marking the ending of us, but just the beginning of me-

“i didn’t leave because i stopped

loving you i left cause the

longer i stayed the less

i loved myself.”

-Rupi Kaur


 

Painting: Jana Brike’s “Bee Girl”

4 thoughts on “the games we play

  1. The way that you have wrote it is truly amazing because after reading this I feel as if I am in your shoes, as someone who has never been in love this poem was able to almost show me what your love and heartbreak was like. I think this makes you a really special and extraordinary writer to be able convey and provoke such emotions and feeling in words to someone who has never actually felt this way in her own life. I can’t think of a critic for this as it is a really moving piece. Great job Alysha!

    1. Dear Safiya,
      Thank you so much for your comment!! It makes me really happy to know that my piece made you feel something because I think that is always the goal of writing, aside from being a release and passion. I’m so excited to read your work throughout the semester!!
      With Love,
      Alysha

  2. Yes Jesus! Good god that was beautiful! You spoke to my soul in several different languages. It was immaculate, structure was perfect , vocabulary very conveying, and the subject extremely relatable. The imagery used in your piece was so convincing, I can see and physically feel what you are writing about. I’m a total fan, you are extremely talented and you show that boy what he’s missing.

    1. Kemi I adore you!! Thank you so much for reading and commenting on this piece, I love that you can really feel what I am trying to talk about. From what I’ve read of your work, you’re also extremely talented and I can’t wait to read more.
      With love,
      Alysha

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